P.S. I love Jew

I have always been a self-loathing, insecure, little (well maybe not little)anti-semite. Growing up in a homogenous society of black and white outerwear, inner-wear and in between the ears wear, I craved color in the form of diversity, non conformity and most of all independence. I wanted to be the quirkier more daring version of Dorothy in the wizard of Oz.   I yearned to reside in the technicolor alternative, even if I had to counsel  a mentally challenged scarecrow, an emotionally unavailable tin man, a phobic lion and a  narcissistic and delusional wizard.  In my version, Dorothy dispensed Zoloft, Xanax, valium and medicinal marijuana, the result of her layover in Candyland. I believed all that munchkin land stuff was probably the product of an hallucinogenic trip anyway. Over MY rainbow, there weren't gnomes and trolls who reminded me of all  the jewish guys I dated my whole life, but Tall, Tebow-like virtuous hunks escorting me down the yellow brick carpet.  An anti-shtetl utopia where I wasn't that chasidic girl whose idea of a good day was  "You don't look Jewish". My dichotomous adolescence was spent surreptitiously 'subwaying'  my long-skirted self to "Steps" to dance off any traces or markers of my judaic identity. When I removed my conservative costume  and donned my magic shoes, I truly felt at Home.  Even the wicked witch of the east side could not disturb the suspended ecstasy I experienced in my handcrafted, red Capezio jazz shoes.  I was a born bohemian addicted to a  life on the stage, where every man was sensitive,gay and extremely gentile.

Like every rebellious dream, the reality was not so glamorous.  "Goyishe" hunks sometimes possessed less brain power than the scarecrow, Oz was like a really bad trip on Trans Air and the wizard reminded me of that irritating uncle who flirts with your girlfriends. After crossing over to the land of the freaks, geeks and musical theatre divas (of the male persuasion), I realized that being Jewish was not a handicap, but rather a badge of humor and resilience that had been gifted to me by my ancestors through DNA, RNA and CPAs. As I evolved, I realized that the anti-semitism was jew-envy.  I saw "jewfluence" in every job, industry and creative endeavor .  If art reflected life, than my people were  the mirrors into which the world gazed and grazed.  We may be just as renowned for our guilt as our greed.  For all of our idiosyncratic neuroses and kvetching, we are the world's conscience.  A testament to  g-ds miracles and covenant with ALL of his creatures. Though we don't possess the exclusivity on suffering, we have been the key recipients of the universal middle finger and worse, but who's complaining? Yes, we are.and have painfully merited the gold magen david at the Spiritual olympic trials.  I had spent a lifetime fleeing my chasidic ancestry and trying to eradicate any nebbishy or nasal cadence in my elocution, but I was as successful as Bill Clinton was at fidelity.  Even after I mastered Italian operatic arias without a trace of an accent,  I was told by a voice teacher to just "shut up an sing"and not to talk since my speaking voice was so incongruous with my singing voice.  I decided to embrace my brooklyn jewishness in all of its gritty glory and most of all to be proud of my people and our accomplishments, especially our most g-d fulfilling promise, the State of Israel. When I am there, I don't need any Fairy-tale or magic shoes.  I know I am Home.