Pass Over

     As everyone knows by now, my descent to the promised land of Miami is never uneventful. I'm still the middle seat buffer between my parents. I, also, double as a translator because my father can't hear clearly, therefore, I have to repeat what my mother says, just louder. ( I asked my mother if she would like to switch seats so she could sit near her husband, but she declined.

We had been waiting for over three hours to board the plane because Delta had bad weather at their hub for two days and all flights were affected. Most were delayed and many more were canceled, leaving a lot of neurotic Jews worrying about the quadrillion tons of food they had shipped two days before. The airlines offered 1200 dollars and a travel voucher to go the next day and we had to wait for enough people to take this offer because the flight was overbooked. (My father casually mumbled in an undertone, "anti-semites", like there's an explicit conspiracy, perfectly executed during the countdown to Passover. I said, "Yeh Ta ( my father), Delta airlines hates Jews because I'm sure the CEO collects nazi paraphernalia and has David Dukes on speed dial with a Deutschland Uber Alles ringtone."

Finally, we were ready to board. The anxious mob spewed forth from all corners of the waiting area to board the luxury liner, I mean airbus. I was smashed between two people in the throng and was so close to them that I may have, inadvertently, conceived a child.

My father pushed himself through the crowd to make sure he got on the plane and had room to store his carry-on and arrange easy access for his "sponge cake contraband". I told my father not to worry, as I didn't want to go ahead of people, but because of my dad's "subtle orders", I parted the crowd like the Red Sea and no one came at me to fight about it. Thank G-d it wasn't Jet Blue.

On the plane, chaos ensued. People were irate, cranky, and tired(and those were just the flight attendants) There were still not enough seats and it was musical chairs for another twenty minutes. A young 20-year-old guy with a backpack was causing a bit of a ruckus because he had a boarding pass to sit next to his mother and was visibly upset to see that having a boarding pass with a seat number was not a sure thing. The entertainment continued,

Young man: "This is MY seat, next to MY mother"!

Flight attendant: "Sir, we do not allow people with "anger management issues" on this flight. We will remove you if you can't control yourself"

I tried to diffuse the situation through brilliant interjection and piped in,

"I guess the flight attendant couldn't believe that woman is your mom. She looks way too young!"

Maybe the President can send me with Brad Pitt to negotiate peace in the Middle East, or maybe I should've just taken out my phone and let the blue chips (sorry, Jet blue) fall and get dragged where they may, so I could have submitted my video to CNN and acquire my fifteen minutes.

Remember when the flight attendants were sweet, non-combative, and served the passengers..now they're like authoritative babysitters.

When did flying become a combat zone?