J.A.P. RAP (yes I am allowed to make fun of jews!!)

J.A.P.

 I’m a JAP

I’m tired I need a nap
I feel Like Crap

Let’s stop at Starbuck’s, I need a mocha

I’ve got a bad wrap

I’m living La Vida “Boca”

Cuz I’m a JAP

Neiman’s, Bloomies, Saks

I like Jersey cuz there’s no sales tax

My Bible is “vogue”

My food is “juicy”

My poor abused nanny’s name is Lucy

What she makes in a month

I spend on my hair

My Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses

Cost $300 bucks a pair

My husband looks like Seinfeld

Just older and fatter

So he’s slightly nauseating

It really doesn’t matter

And if my plastic doesn’t work

I call my husband, the jerk

I’m not a catholic wife or Methodist

I’m just a plain old terrorist

I like to think I’m hip, I know I aint no sistah

But I hired Beyonce for my daughter’s bat mitzvah

I may seem slightly stupid, but I’m really very smart

I don’t do Christmas, but I will do St. Barts.

I want to look like J. Lo

I really like her fanny

At times I might look sexy

But I talk like the nanny

Cuz I’m a JAP

I’m exhausted, I can’t stop bitchin’

I need a nap

Just finished redoing my kitchen

Cuz I’m a Jap

I like to have the best

I drink only Fiji water

I eat lots of salad and sushi

And have a slight eating disorder

I know people think I’m shallow

An ethically-challenged piranha

But I give to the UJA

Once a year for Rosh Hashana

My son, the schlemiel, to the Ivy League he’ll go

It makes no difference if his SAT’s are low.

My husband has a cousin who’s sister knows a guy

Who’s connected to every college that money can buy.

I’m totally fake from my nose to my “tuish”

I’ve had so much plastic surgery

I’m always black and bluish

The only thing that’s real is my jewelry